Bitter Goodbyes

I want to go home... But I want to stay here.

All that time in my amazing abroad year.

"I'll be seeing you."

'Cause I refuse to say goodbye...

But thinking of leaving makes me wanna cry.

I made a home of here.

Can I really let that go? 

All that time I was given.

To be allowed to grow. 

All the things I've seen.

All the things I've done.

On my last day in Germany,

But is it "the last one"

Will life treat me well?

Can I have the luxury to do this again?

This sorta thing's expensive,

But so worth it.

It was worth all the good.

It was worth all the bad.

Really my heart sighs,

Even though I feel glad.

Every moment is still crisp in my memory. As clear as a photo in hand. I can believe it's over because I felt the days tick by. My year didn't snail along, and nor did it fly... It was a steady tempo beat. A new day brought a new thrill. 

I'm thankful for my entire extended host family, from the aunts and uncles who took me skiing, who took me to ballets. I will miss the coffee und kuchen and seeing their faces. I'll miss my host parents and my host siblings too. Living in their home was a wonderful experience, and I had a great time. Thinking of leaving's gonna make me cry. I'll miss the Fröhner family, and I'll miss the Lötzsch family! I love you guys so much. Come to visit me soon! 

I'll miss going to school and seeing my friends. The class I was put into here in Germany was so friendly and kind. Herr Kosel made life so much simpler in the school building. I'll miss sitting in Frau Moll's class or going to English with Frau Freitag. And I'll be missing my favorite class, 10a! I love you Katja and Iyan. I love you 10a. Missing you guys already! 

Ohh AFS. They did the best job of connecting exchangers with other exchangers. I'll miss my "B**** Clique" and my Leipzig chapter group. My mentor, Eliza, and every cool exchanger I met in between. You guys make exchange years, and you sure made mine! 

Tschüss Deutschland. Bis zum nächsten. 

HOME AWAY FROM HOME

THE BEST CLASS, 10A

THE BEST BEAUTIES ON THE BLOCK

AFS CBYX 2014-15

FOREVER MY GERMAN HOME

A Glance to the Shadows

I feel the pressure of the seven weeks creeping in. The sort of anxiety of anticipation. I have fear in my heart truly because of the unknown. The idea something explosively negative will happen. Fear is such a terrible thing; it causes uncertainty, insecurity, and warps judgment. 

Happiness is such a fragile thing that it is constantly called upon to be juggled. Always at risk of falling, the almost inevitable break. But I've learned by now that happiness is measured by perception, and perception is simply a decision on how to see things. My rose-colored glasses have long ago vanished; seeing the world in all its glory can be overwhelmingly beautiful, so much so that you can often be detoured and turn away from its sight to find it horrid. 

Optimism and pessimism, it is but perception; these fancy and other "politically correct terms" often annoy and frustrate me. Enough with the labels. Label me as you please. Yes, two contradicting statements. Yet they, for me, are both so true. You may choose to put me in any group, but unless I was the one to place myself there, then where you put me is completely irrelevant. 

I find, no, I know, that in life and forever, more people will attempt to create an identity for us. Tell us where we belong, how we are to behave and feel, who we are to be. I see now that these labels, places, groups were simply made so that the person who chose to place us there can better function. That is fine.

But you are not, but I am not. We are not what people decide who we are. And yes, you must abide by rules, social standards, society in order to survive, to function, to live. But everything ever decided in your life was a decision you made for yourself. Perception. I learned that the only person who could live my life is myself. No one laughs for me, walks miles for me, does my assignments for me, cries for me, loves for me, lives for me. No one jumps in my body to make the day-to-day living. I do it. I learned what that really meant this year..... Being alone with myself and my thoughts was an experience that cannot be explained. You can only relate if you do so yourself.

Leaving all that you know behind to go somewhere else completely unknown.... leaves you..... alone. Not in a negative aspect or a positive one. I realized being with myself how much I could hate and love being who I was. And since I can't change what I am, I learned to live with myself for who I am. I grew in ways I could not get through to you on paper. I experienced things in myself that I couldn't verbally explain. I can only say to you as my reader to be alone. Be alone with yourself to really see who you are. You, too, will be amazed by what you are, by who you are, and that you are also beautiful, truly.

So as for this fear, it is all perception. I choose to see the best of it. I know, it's super repetitive to the movies and books, but true stuff is true. I'll make the best of any situation for myself. It's a choice I chose to make. Because it's true... Life is short, a moment in our universe. So insignificant it can't even add up to a second in the make-up of all that has come to exist. But it's the longest thing I'll ever do. So these moments will defy the universe.... 'cause for me, I'll make 'em count! 

Moments that count:

SPENDING MOTHERS DAY WITH MY HOST MOM SABINE IN MISSEN

BIKE TOURS WITH HOST SIS AND FREINDS

LEARNING WITH OTHERS IN GYMNASIUM

BEING GOOFY AND HAVING FUN!

BEING WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME FEEL LOVED

FINDING FRIENDS TO TOUGH IT OUT WITH

LEARNING TO LOVE THE PLACE WITHIN MYSELF SURROUNDED BY THIS THING CALLED LIFE

We're Family Now....

....And you're stuck with me! *queue mad evil laughter* And by mad, I meant completely joyful, and by evil, I meant completely good. I have spent my abroad year with the Fröhner family and have so many stories to tell. There were hard rocky beginnings, but both sides put up a good fight, and it's nothing but smooth sailing ahead. So here comes clear skies, rainbows, and rising sun!

"But Myiah, we thought you would like things such as this..... Your application described you as a sporty student," my host mother said to me. I was sitting across from her at a café, body dead, head on the table, eyes out of focus. We'd Langlauf skied for what seemed like hours before the host fam decided to sit down for some grub. I was fighting back "metaphorical" tears. Me, sporty... Who dared to cross me! This is pretty much the staple of my exchange year. I, Myiah Smith, am not a "sporty or athletic" student. I have been cursed to love a thing I really, really, really do suck at. So I really, really, really got better.....

Bike rides, hiking, skiing, swimming; A marathon here, horse riding there; rollerblading, rowing, jogging. My family was athletic. Doctors for parents, a practically all-vegetarian diet aside from the occasional Durüm as a treat, or the once every two months "grillen." My host uncles, aunts, and grandparents kept up this trend. I stepped up and tried my best... Falling here, failing there, keeping up miles (in this case kilometers) behind. I can't help but say I've come to love it. I'm stronger, leaner, healthier... And I feel it. It's thanks to my family. I miss the lifestyle already, and I'm not even home yet!

I miss my family too, already. Of course, there were awkward moments in the beginning. The occasional misunderstanding was due to lack of communication... even though we all spoke perfect English. The fear of them kicking me out and not wanting me anymore, which I realized was always in my head. Things are good now. They had patients with me. They type of patients that deserve a reward. My biggest hope is that my host family was also able to take away from me as much as I learned from them. I hope that I bought insight into their lives, and they learned and became better, just as they have allowed me to grow. But I can't measure those things, just as they can't measure my own. 

I'm gonna miss the random discussions I had with my host mom. She told me not to worry so much about my future, particularly money. The talks on culture. The things she missed from England when she lived there. I'll miss her beautiful smile and the way she'd throw her head back in laughter. How she'd boast about the joys of being physically active. Always telling me the important part isn't being good. It's to be out there and trying. I admired her drive; Her sternness and stability; Her confidence in a way. The way she lived life to her own agenda, mindset. But she loved her husband and children in a way that was culturally new. Hard to explain, but you could see the concern for the things that she loves. I always could feel when Sabine wasn't home for the weekend or the week. You can feel her presence was missed. A mother is very much like a thread... It holds things together. That's exactly what Sabine was for me. 

I got to know the true country life through my host dad. I sucked corn, fed rabbits, chickens, and goats. Learned to build a fence and a dog enclosure, and yet to finish the task...... Steffan is quite the handyman, so it will get done before I leave. He loves his animals and his tractor. I recall riding that tiny thing to a tractor expo (just about as country as it gets). He would also be the one to keep the mood lite, making sure no one was taking things too seriously. He'd crack jokes all the time. The way his face glows a light red when laughing puts a smile on my own face every time. I liked when I heard his "Nah Myiah, wie war?" and I enjoyed it whenever he asked me to make breakfast, pancakes to be exact! He reminded me very much of my own father, too much so. Or maybe that's just men, or is that an unfair statement? Either way, he was a father to me, treated me like one of his own, taught me quite a lot, we shared sweet moments.

Siblings here are different from the states, or at least my entire extended host family's siblings are. They interact differently. They don't pick fights, quarrel, or fight like my own siblings would, and where there is one, it's solved quickly and moved on from. The love language is different. Yet, in a way, it's the same. Siblings frustrate one another, annoy one another, yet also care for one another. They love each other in the end. They forgive and move on. I feel I'm a sibling. The amount of frustration I know I pushed on Judith should have left me without her care, but it didn't. She never did completely give on me. That's something I truly do appreciate. I loved them like my own siblings. We did so much. I learned so many things from them too! And that's what siblings are. People who you can grow from and grow with.

Everything I learned was from my host family. Beyond who I live with but all the members I met. All showed kindness, love, and care. The same they would show to another member. I felt like another member. I feel like another member. That's a very special thing to feel. And like in the beginning, they're stuck with me! I plan to visit in the future. Maybe, I can redeem myself in skiing... Or maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Either way, we're family now! I will be expecting them to visit also! I'm looking forward to the last two months with them. I wonder what they hold! 

Friendship is Magical

Sorry, I've been M.I.A. for a while, but now I'm back. In an effort to enjoy myself even more here in Deutschland, I had decided to fast off of negative energy. With that, the past month of March has been pure highness of happiness. With April smoothly rolling in, I plan to keep this up to my very last day.

This post shall be highlighting my wonderful friends. All my wonderful friends. The friends I have back in the states. The friends I've made here in Germany and the friends I am to make in the future. This here's to you, here's to friendship, because it's simply magical.

"Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. A circle round and has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend," a short and sweet song my siblings and I love to sing as loud as possible. I find the lyrics to be so inspirational. What the people I love back home have taught me is to be loving to all, address the differences we recognize in one another, and recognize them as beautiful. I can't wait to get back home to the states and to laugh once again with them. 'Till then, I wish the ones back home a great rest of the school year. Stay in school, don't do drugs, keep cool, my friends.

The friends I made here in Germany include my host sister, friends from my program, and friends from school. And though they're few, they mean so much to me. The time I spent with them grew me in ways that I hoped I would always grow toward. The kindness, care, and love made me feel like I had a place here in the foreign land of Germany. It made it that much easier to survive my year. 

I still remember the first Saturday I went for a bike ride with Judith around the tiny town of Nerchau. Distracting her for hours from homework and cleaning her room, we'd discuss topics ranging from how society should run to the most effective way to score a boyfriend. Lol, girls are girls all around the world. She helped me and pushed me in areas I didn't want to address or take an interest in. Things I felt I wasn't good enough to do, like learning German, trying in school, and pushing myself physically. Judith was the best host sister I could have received. Her beauty, love of life, and stern standing gave me something I never had, an older sister... Even though I'm the older one, I knew from the beginning I was her lil' sis. So Judith Fröhner, here's to you. To your patients, as annoying as I was, to not giving up on me, to remaining my sister! We shared in moments and have done so much together. I look forward to continuing to learn more about my host country through this amazing girl and her loving family. 

A.F.S. is a great organization, but they do the best job of connecting other exchange students with one another. From camps held around Germany to the "chapters" of people I live close to, there's always another exchange student close by. I met countless numbers of students from all around the world. Most of us agree; one of the cooler parts of exchange is meeting all the other students! The expression "learning new things" is so incredibly true. I'm often left dumbfounded and amazed! I had so many amazing experiences with the international friends I've made. From walking the streets of cities, we've never explored to getting lost and finding our way. To the nights we stayed up 'till sunrize, to the morning coffee on the balcony and philosophical discussions at night. To the bond, we hold through the exchange. It's by this opportunity that I have these friends. This is to all the kids that made me smile, made my heart ache with joy. Here's to those brave souls who went abroad with me. Thanks for being a great friend. You know who you are! 

Getting German friends was difficult. I always felt I was intruding, trying to stick myself in a place where I didn't belong. But going to Magnus Wurzen Schule was a blessing. The students are kind and helpful, the teachers are patient. As awkward as I felt, they made sure I felt a part of the school. Choir on Thursday became my favorite part of the school. Sitting with Katja and Xarah during lunch made me feel like I had a place. Hanging out after school is rare, a thing I wished happened more often. But when it does, I'm melting with happiness. It's a great feeling to have people around you who care for your well-being. I'm happy to have gotten to know these wonderful german teens. Here's to the fun we're still to have. Here's to the embarrassment and satisfaction of figuring out the culture through you all. Here's to the times we're still gonna make.

So this is to you. To a friend. A person who cares enough to read. Because your reader is one more that makes me feel like what I have to say is valid and worth reading! So continue to be a friend and support my blog by reading. I promise to return that "magic" by writing more often. And remember my friends, friendship is magical *queue "my little ponies" theme song, sparkles and shine*

Ps- hi Johanne, and Iyan, I know you're reading this... And yes, you too, mom, erhhgg, so embarrassing 

Sunniva, Me and Andrea pose for a pic + selfie

Top of Leipzig

Explored an abandoned Brauerei 

My US high school dedicated a bulletin board to me and my travels

The horses and I enjoyed the sun

The Best of Break

Two weeks free from school, so what was it I had done? I worked hard, tears did fall, beads of sweat did run, and blood was boiling. I'm talking cross country and regular skiing. Cold, up in the mountains, sun burning, legs moving, body screaming, hella fun skiing. Need I say more, well of course.....

A week in the Alps, February 9-13, and a day trip to Germany's highest point, Zugspitze.

I accompanied the trip with Grimma's church youth group, my host mother Sabine, and my host sister Judith. 22 people ski and snowboard almost every year. I was given a quick course and sent on my way to pitifully fall all over the place. I was offered and given help countless times. How could I say no? The group I was with was incredibly friendly and helpful. We also spend a day snowshoeing in the mountains. I met great people, saw some amazing views, had some embarrassing moments; I tried, survived, and accomplished!

A funny moment only you can know: The lift was what took so much of my energy away. Getting on and staying on this lift WAS the hardest part for me. At one point, I slipped out of the pulley system and was sent skiing a short distance backward. A poor young girl was getting on the lift as I skied my hind parts directly into her face sending her falling into a woman waiting behind her. Whoops.... *excruciating awkward laugh* 

A shortstop home on Friday 13 where I was hit with a wave of fatigue. The type of exhaustion that leaves me unable to open doors, grasp objects, and other functions critical in typical living. In other words, all I could do was lay and lie. Oh, so still I did. By Saturday 12pm, I was back in the car heading to the Czech Republic.

GOT TO HAVE THE RIGHT GEAR!

I spent an unforgettable week with my host family in the Riesengeburger mountains in the Czech Republic. We were in a cute Czech home next to a river. From the 14-20th, we cross country skied, sledded, swam, and hiked. I had a wonderful time! A short description of my time:

Sunday, I was taught by my host dad the correct form for "Langlauf," or cross country skiing.

Monday, I took a break along with both my host sisters and their cousin. We accompanied my host father on a 14k hike that day. I also drank from my first Quelle using a dirty cup that was placed next to it and cleaning the cup in the stream. It was the coldest, most refreshing drink ever! 

A COLD WINTERS DAY

Tuesday I spent a lot of my time walking. If I wasn't walking, then I was falling from the cross country ski, but none the less I always got up and kept going! 

Wednesday, we took a lift to a peak and rode a 6k sledding track back down to the base of the mountain. I rode with my host mom, unintentionally picking the fastest sled, and my host mom doesn't actually "love" sledding. We were zooming pretty much out of control. Falling about 5 times in our total 6k ride. Oh, so painfully embarrassing because, in the end, my host mom couldn't take anymore, and she asked me to ride with Frank, a host uncle. Who, in my opinion, was the best with control; he even literally skied behind me the last two days. None the less it was an extremely thrilling, adrenaline rush, fun day. 'Cause after sledding we went to the pool. Making this day argumentatively my favorite! 

Thursday was a better ski day for me. I had slightly improved. As mentioned above, Frank had ridden behind me. Hard to explain: much like how a young child would learn to ski, but with an older teenager instead. He put his ski's on each side of mine, and with ski sticks held out in front of us, we skied down hills together, up a hill, I could do....with a few slips here and there. I felt just like a little child. Frank, Stephen, and Sabine helped me so much through the week. 

Friday was probably, no, definitely was my best day. I walked the least amount and actually made it down some hills by myself without assistance. The only one of few times I did walk was the last kilometer because I fell with Frank one too many times going down. I felt too bad continuing with letting him help me. I didn't want to be a burden and especially tire him out or injure him. But I enjoyed this ski day the best. The trail we were on was the nicest, and the weather was perfect the whole week, but this day had a sort of radiance. That night we also went tubing on a track which was a lot of good fun. 

Each day was extremely exhausting. Every day I tried hard and continued. Another moment only you can know: Barbra, a host aunt, in an effort to get me to ski without leaning forward, wanted me to ski a slightly downhill track to my host uncle Frank. All my family turned to watch in anticipation as I skied perfectly, standing straight down the hill until I was met with the breaking part. I panicked, screaming, "Ich kann nicht, Ich kann nicht!" and pitifully tumbled over onto my tummy. I burst into genuine laughter as my host family joined in. The laughter died down, and all turned away. I sat up and turned my back to them, still silently laughing until the giggles turned to genuine silent tears. Judith gave me tissue after coming to help me from the ground. I was both happy to have made it down and sad to have fallen. I was actually unaware of how I should have felt at that moment. Proud with the accomplishment or embarrassed by the failure?

From that heavy moment, it was a truly amazing week. I had fun, played games, ate great food, had good laughs, and tried something so new! If I had a choice, would I do it again? Hell yeah! I'd be a thousand times better too; 'cause a thousand times better is all I'm going to expect and except! Who wants to see who's coming with me? 

HIGHEST POINT IN GERMAN ALPS: ZUGSPITZE

ME, TRYING SOOOO HARD

CZECHISCH KLOßE OH SO GOOD

VIEWS FOR DAYS

A WINTER LAKE

AFS Mid-Stay Camp

One of the cooler things I look forward to is definitely AFS arranged activities and camps. The past weekend I spent in Dresden, Saxony, with a handful of amazing international teens. A few cool Russians, the warm Spanish speakers, the interesting Asian crew, the Scandinavian girls, an energetic Australian, us American folk, and of course, our amazing German leaders. We stayed in a Hostel, which was only a ten-minute walk from Dresden Hbf. It was a very nice Hostel!

THE INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS OF AFS

The camp is such a critical interaction point for exchange students. It allows an opportunity to talk with someone who is experiencing exactly what you are also experiencing. Being able to hear someone else's downfalls and successes gives you this explosion of hope to go out and do better. It's also an opportunity to gauge how well you do, a silly way to see how you stack up amongst the current exchange kids in your area. Doesn't come as to shock that we all feel the same. The same hopes, fears, and the same up and down moments. Some of us are partiers, some of us studious, some found the one thing that keeps them grounded, some of us still trying to find it. Either way, we all are living. Every day holds a new struggle, a new success, another opportunity to do better. We all understand this commonality. We all are finding our way, while trying to have the best experience we can, whatever that may be, for ourselves. 

THE GREATEST PEOPLE

Cool things we did:

Have this activity; one raw egg and one red apple, cook the egg, and exchange the apple. In partnered groups, we exchange students went out into Dresden's central city area to complete the task. I was with my good friend Andrea from Mexico. We walk straight to Dresden Hbf where we enter an Asian restaurant, speaking in our broken and bad German, and ask if we could get our egg boiled. After boiling our egg we exchange our apple with a florist and convenience her to give us unwanted or bad flowers. She gives us two fresh-cut Daisies and a dying but beautiful potted plant. We go to a chocolatier and ask to exchange our fresh cut flowers for old or unwanted chocolate, the smile on her face was priceless and she proceeds to give us a small box of chocolates. We leave the Hbf trying to find more people to exchange more things. We find ourselves lost but make it back to the hostel in time. Absolutely amazing if you can imagine.....

WHAT BROKEN GERMAN GETS YA

THANK YOU KIND PERSON!

             

A mini party was held in the basement of the Hostel after a night tour of Dresden, we got to the Hostel around 12. We first sang a cappella to the top of our lungs to random pop songs that popped into our minds. We sing off-key and loudly while smiling and laughing, absorbing the joy. We then blasted Latin music while the Spanish speakers dominate the dance floor. They taught us other foreigners simple moves while the better dancers can catch the steps and dance with partners. We switch it over to pop music and dance around wildly. Before we knew it, it's 4am. We head upstairs where we sit in the dining room and snack on German chips and cookies. Drinking coal and sparkling water laughing, discussing our experience, arguing how banana should be pronounced, I sit back. This is where I am, I am here, in the now, and I love it. Went to bed at 5:30, woke at 7. Pure amazement, to all students- please go abroad!

WILD NIGHTS

HELLO FROM THE AFS MID-STAY CAMP

First Post of the Year!

This is a short but brief first post of the year. Please enjoy the attached photos and words on the screen. I hope you had a wonderful Holiday and a spectacular new year. Keep being you, you wonderful person *insert winky face here*

A Poem Poemy experience written "last year":

Daily Thoughts

There are gray days,

But you've learned by now;

There's a shining sun

Behind every gray cloud. 

Some days leave you low,

Others pick you up.

You try to brace the coaster,

But you never give up.

And when you have a full conversation

Without speaking a word of your mother tongue,

You feel like your whole being

Will explode with joy.

Slowly you see,

Things may be paying off.

Slowly you start to speak,

And find your voice once and for all!

You love all the exchange students you've met so far.

You can't believe all the fun you've shared in.

There's been smiles and laughs, listening ears, and kind sweethearts. 

You're proud to know you're friends for life.

And you giggle at the fact you convinced everyone to keep the friendship bracelets you bought! 

School's so scary. You're shocked and taken aback.

Never did you think there'd be a day you would get nothing,

But nothing is literally all you get...

And then you breathe and realize;

"I am courageous, and I can only get better. I WILL continue on!"

And when you got the question asked in music class correctly, 

you literally cheered, 

and blushed with excitement 

when everyone laughed and clapped along. 

Now you're making friends,

Things are looking good.

Every day has its challenge,

But you keep pushing on.

You want to cry with joy when you're welcomed home after a hard day. 

Filled with happiness when you enjoy an evening's meal together.

You laugh together at the jokes and how you keep placing the knife in the wrong position.

Appreciate all the patients you're host family has had for you, 

And appreciate them even more, when they continue to teach you all they can. 

And when you lay in bed at night, you can't help feeling that life is just right. 

And when you lay, you think...

A small victory is something you learn to appreciate.

It's all the small victories you have that you're able to see your growth.

So you keep going in order to keep growing.

You accept everything about yourself,

The failure and the victory.

You get things wrong, mess up, maybe even cry a little.

You always recover, and once you do,

you look forward to doing it all over again! 

MY FAVORITE WINTER SNAP

LET'S EAT CHRISTMAS DINNER GERMAN-STYLE
GANS (GOOSE), PASTNAKEN UND KAROTTEN (PARSNIPS & CARROTS), KLOESSE (POTATO DUMPLING), ROTKRAUT (RED CABBAGE), SUßKARTOFFEL (SWEET POTATO)

MY CHRISTMAS GIFTS!

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

                                                                                  

Geschenke, these are the gifts I gave my family. Chocolate for my host dad, a bath set for my youngest host sister, a necklace and earrings for my other host sister, a remote-controlled car for my host brother, and a heated blanket for my host mother. They all loved the gifts. I even caught myself.